Top 10 Ways to Avoid Watching the Royal Wedding

Warning: Contains herring

I know you don’t want to watch the Royal Wedding. But you might be tempted, cajoled or bullied into it. You need excuses. I be providing…

1. Spend the day in quiet contemplation of your navel (unless your navel comes equipped with a 24-hour news channel).

2. Move to Windsor, and hope that (as with other sporting events) the Royal Wedding is subject to local blackout.

3. Arrange a different type of blackout by hanging out with your local wino, making a detailed examination of his Thunderbird collection.

4. Hijack a plane to Lithuania, and spend the day touring local facilities:

(Lithuania! White, smiling, and composed in 7/4 time. No speed limits on bicycles, and 25 litas buys you a loft the size of Pittsburgh. Pizza with assorted prewar car parts is the local delicacy.)

5. Smother yourself in cream sauce and pretend to be a herring!

(Hiding in the jar ensures that no one can find you and spritz you with Royal Wedding pics.)

Ways 5 to 10

To be filled in by reader. Be creative, but non-violent! Anything excessively kinky will be forwarded to the proper authorities.

This post brought to you by Invest Lithuania, coming soon to a pup tent near you. Mr. Hiatus Lemon-Elderflower, fund advisor.

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