British MPs Need Stronger Passwords

Hi-tech help for a hung Parliament…

The recent cyber-attack on their e-mail accounts has underscored the need for Members of Parliament to use proper passwords. The practice, popular among MPs, of using short, suggestive phrases has led to appalling breaches — not to be confused with appalling britches (also a problem), but never-you-mind.

The simple fact is, passwords like “HungInHertfordshire”,”TorySlut”, “HotCladding”, and “Slave2May” are far too easy to guess, leading to massive insecurity. And believe you me, Mr and Mrs Britain, massive insecurity is something we don’t need more of down Westminster way.

The time-honoured tradition for creating strong, nay unbreakable passwords is to combine a common phrase with a series of numbers, the name of a fruit or vegetable, some random punctuation, topping it off with another phrase. Hence, an ideal password would be:

supercalifragilisticexpialidocious9713206pineapple?!@#*THE-EMPIRE-STRIKES-BACK!

Easy to remember, but hard for hackers to crack! Please don’t use that one, though, as it’s my own personal password. I’m proud to say that in years of continuous use on the Internet, no one’s ever broken it. 😉

Sidebar: British Officials Respond To Cyber-Attack

According to the Guardian, international trade secretary Liam Fox (whose e-mail password is “ChickenCoop”) told ITV News the attack was a “warning to everyone we need more security and better passwords. You wouldn’t leave your door open at night”.

Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn (whose password is “AloneAndNaked”) was quizzed about the cyber-attack between sets at the Glastonbury Festival. Said Corbyn, “I think [this] indicates just how vulnerable we are to cyber-attacks and our cyber-security”. He proceeded to punctuate his remarks with a rousing rendition of “Blue Suede Shoes”, flanked by a blushing security guard.

Nellis Prawntree, the Shadow Minister for Looking Into Things That Other People Find Uninteresting (whose password is uninteresting), assured the public that a new algorithm is being developed to create strong passwords which are also suggestive enough to appeal to tastes of British MPs. A supercomputer is working on the problem, and after months of programming has produced the following:

eatmyshorts0800369celery*#@!?I-PROMISE-I-WON’T-RUN-IN-YOUR-CONSTITUENCY

Jeremy Corbyn fans at Glastonbury 2017 (Photoshopped)

Of Further Interest:

The Guardian interviews Lord Buckethead at Glastonbury
A Trump Joke for UK Readers
Greenspan Bobblehead Shocks Nervous Britons – UPDATE

This post is a work of parody. The views expressed are those of the author, and do not represent any other person or organization.

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