[The White House.]
Secretary Mattis: Mr. President, I have the preliminary list you ordered, of names for the military operation on the Mexican border.
President Trump: Good! Pull up a seat, but first get me a Diet Coke.
Secretary Mattis: I’m not a vending machine, sir.
President Trump: Let’s hope you’re at least a fighting machine. Otherwise, well — you know the drill.
[Together in unison]: YOU’RE FIRED!!!
Secretary Mattis [forcing a chuckle]: I’m glad we can laugh about it like this, sir.
President Trump: Then let’s get down to business. What names have they come up with over at the Pentagon?
Secretary Mattis: Comprising the A-list, we have Operation Godless Narcissist, Operation Sniveling Demagogue, and Operation Orange Splunkhead.
Trump [frowning]: You know Jim, I had the most successful show on television for over 20 years. I have a sixth sense about marketing that’s allowed me to sell everything from steaks to Supreme Court justices. Your boys are good boys. Boys and girls, men and women, and a few in-betweeners we haven’t managed to kick out yet…
Mattis: Sir, what’s your point?
Trump: My point is they’re good boys, but they don’t have an ear for marketing. Those names you just gave me might be good enough for small cleanup operations in a non-election year. But they don’t say Donald Trump, they don’t inspire brand recognition, they don’t have that quality of hugeness and tremendousness which people associate with the Trump brand. In short, these are not bigly names.
Mattis: So you want something biglier? [pronouncing this last word with obvious distaste]
Trump: Biglier, and infused with the spirit of this nation. Give me something that speaks to me of big cars and dead Indians. Jack LaLanne and Lana Turner. Wisconsin takes the field. Pretzels with mustard on a hot day.
Mattis: You’re losing me, sir. And there’s still the B-list to get through.
Trump [skeptically]: Does it come with mustard?
Mattis: Not as such. But some of the names are slightly, uh, biglier.
Trump: Fire away, then.
Mattis: For the B-list we have Operation Shirking Leader, Operation Lying Viper, and Operation Xenophobic Idiot.
Trump: Hmmn… Some of those are biglier, but not in a good way. To energize the base, I’m looking for a name that conjures up images of Christian Minutemen beating brown-skinned invaders over the head with bibles while humming The Star-Spangled Banner. I’ve got it! Operation Faithful Patriot!
Mattis: Do we really want to bring religion into this? After all, you’re not known as a particularly religious man.
Trump: I get the basic plot. Boy meets girl meets snake. Fire and floods. Like Puerto Rico, but without the welfare.
Mattis: [with a look of quiet exasperation]: Very well, Operation Faithful Patriot it is. Anything else?
Trump: Have you looked into my plan to bring tactical nuclear weapons to the Mexican border?
Mattis: I’m afraid the Joint Chiefs consider it impractical.
Trump: What impractical? Use it or lose it. You hire a crane. Put some nukes where they’ll do a lot of people a lot of good. The American people have never felt so protected as under Donald Trump. After all, if you laid all the Geraldo Riveras in the world from end to end, you’d have… Well, a lot of Geraldo Riveras!
Mattis: No offense, sir, but you seem to be wandering again. And there’s only one Geraldo Rivera.
Trump: I was speaking metaphorically. You could have like a river of Geraldo Riveras, all of them voting for me.
Mattis: An interesting thought experiment, but how do you know they’d vote as a bloc?
Trump: They’d have to. Otherwise I’d deport them.
Mattis: I should have seen that coming. Anyway, we can’t send nuclear weapons to the Mexican border. It’s just not done.
Trump: They told Christopher Columbus to go back to making pizza, no one sails over the edge of the earth. But he did it anyway. That’s what I want to do. Not the same thing, but the same thing in a different way. More modern, less Italian.
Mattis [humoring him]: Uh-huh.
Trump: Different flavors of nuclear weapons for different days of the week. All pointed at Mexico saying give us your rapists, your murderers, your drug dealers, and we’ll give you our nukes. This one’s called Rocky Road. It has little marshmallows and packs a hundred megaton blast.
Mattis: Mr. President, you’re flat-out crazy.
Trump: They say Trump is crazy. Crazy like a fox. He knows how to bring home the bacon. Millions of jobs that weren’t there before. Jobs in meat-packing, jobs in sheetrock, jobs carrying things to and fro. Today it must be a camel. But tomorrow it could be hot rats. Desert rats in jeeps stationed on the Mexican border, eating American food. They say La Choy makes Chinese food the American way. But I say America makes nukes the Chinese way. To eat in or take out. Nukes delivered by moped. No one will spot them going in. Believe me, no one.
Mattis: Mr. President, you can’t deliver tactical nuclear weapons by moped, and this whole line of thinking is completely unhinged.
Trump: I hear the Fake News say [imitating announcer’s voice] “Donald Trump has become unhinged.” But the truth is, I was never hinged. I was always a swinger.
Mattis: Your point being?
Trump: Before you say no to nuclear weapons, remember what happened to Fidel Castro.
Mattis: What happened to Fidel Castro?
Trump: He’s dead, Jim.
Mattis: I walked right into that one. Okay, let’s say we manage to deliver tactical nuclear weapons to the Mexican border by moped, or camel, or a contingent of harnessed rats. We still can’t use them without irradiating our own people.
Trump: I thought of that. What we do is get a really big fan, put it on high, and just blow all that radiation over the border to Mexico, like Christopher Cross.
Mattis: I’m afraid nature has a bigger fan. It’s called “The Wind,” and it’s quite unpredictable. It could turn in an instant, and all our people would get dosed. They call the wind Mariah. The rain is Tess, I believe.
Trump: Funny, I’ve groped women named Mariah and Tess. Do they have a name for fire? Maybe I could make it a trifecta.
Mattis: In their native wisdom, they call the fire Joe.
Trump: Oh well, never mind then. You just get the word out about Operation Faithful Patriot. And rustle up some nukes. Have them delivered in shopping carts by CIA agents dressed as homeless people. Make sure they know how to rap. And don’t talk to any newspapers, either.
Mattis: Yes sir, I’ll get right on it. No sir, I won’t.
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The views expressed are my own, and do not represent any other person or organization.